Tags

, , , ,

I live comfortably in my daily patterns.  I wake up, take the dogs for their walk, play a few video games, watch YouTube, go to work, play more video games, go to bed. This formula has been working for me, and by working for me I mean that it keeps my anxiety at a manageable level.  I’m not surprised by anything, nor does anything offer a challenge that I haven’t faced a thousand times before.

Well, the script I have been living with is about to be demolished, and a new, scary script is going to take its place.  I’m most likely going to be moving away to a place that is, for me, in the middle of nowhere.  My closest neighbors will be horses. Breaking news about horses, they don’t speak.  I enjoy hearing human voices because it makes me feel less alone.

To be clear, I love spending time by myself, but at any time I can go to a place nearby where there will be people.  That can be anything from a friend’s house to a gas station, but the choice to not be alone, right now, is mine.  I will have to travel quite a ways away to not be alone where I’ll be living.

I’ve grown up in populated areas, so that is where I find comfort.  Other people, like my wife, grew up in sparsely populated areas, so this move is something she is not worried about.  I’m trying to look for the good in this situation.  Perhaps it will be transformative.  Maybe I’m meant to live in a rural location?  I don’t know.  Solitude, for me, makes my mind wonder if I am not engaged in some sort of stimulating activity.  I worry that all of the progress I’ve made, as far as the anxiety stuff goes, will come back because I’ll have too much time on my hands.

I have learned so much about thwarting the intensity of a panic attack, so this move will test if I can practice what I so widely attempt to preach.  Look at the fear, let it in instead of pushing it away, and floating with it.  Anyone with anxiety knows that not reaching for a distraction while having an anxiety episode is a task that is close to impossible.  If I feel like I cannot breathe, even if I know it is anxiety, I want to do something about it.  But, fighting it is counterproductive to the ultimate goal of eliminating the feelings forever.

I recently ranted about not living the same life every day.  So, here it is.  This is my chance to finally prove that change is necessary not only for mental health reasons, but to progress in life.  It is time to put my big boy pants on.  Time to mow the grass and paint the fence.

As far as change goes, be it drastic like a big move, a new job, or something minor like a haircut, what do you do to accept and adapt to the change?  Think of the biggest change in your life. What triumphs and struggles did you have along the way?

Like always, thanks for reading.  Be well!